My roommate is moaning/slurring in her bed about how she's going to die. And she's giggling about it.
... "Amazing grace," she just sang, ending with the statment "I'm so drunk."
And now she's talking about how we're all pieces of God.
And now she wants to know why I'm doing. "Jess, who you talkin to?"
"My friend," I lie, "What are you doing?" ... "I'm drunk!"
"This is probably good that I don't have my phone, SHIT I lost my phone."
But this is all situational. The night has been pretty lame, except the part where I satisfied munchies with Taco Bell. Other than that, complete crap. Tomorrow I will protest (mend?) this by staying in bed all day. I'm going to ignore life because it's stupid, and I'm feeling very 5-yr-old.
Why can't I just give in and be a girl, do what I want instead of doing what's "best"? I can't decide if the lesson here is that I'm being too cocky or if it's that I'm not being confident enough. I know that makes little to no sense, but that's par for the course.
The only ones who bother are the ones who don't really matter.
It's 2am and there's no one online to talk to. I keep looking at random sites and wondering why they're not holding my attention, then realizing that I want some goddamned social contact. The internet has failed me.
I'm also tipsy (had to finish off the green whiskey from yesterday) and listening to Ace of Base. I don't know which part of tonight is silliest.
Thoughts start and stop, fight each other for prominence and correctness. The truth is that I miss the fuck out of a friend who's on the verge of being something more, and that it's eating away inside my chest.
It's stupid, though, because there's nothing I can do about it, other than give in to the urge to call every once in a while (but I don't know if that would be cool or not) and... What's the point, really? Just another thing to fuck up?
Even if I'm actually good enough (which is highly unlikely), so many things stand in the way: location, age, friends, family.
I want to go back to where I was a week and a half ago, believing I had no heart or soul. I don't want to be so human.